Every parent hopes for great things for their child. Happiness, talent, love, and intelligence to name a few. I am guilty of wanting each of these things for my own children.
The thing is, all of these come with a double-edged sword that we have to hold carefully.
Take happiness for example. My children are very happy to eat crap, skip homework, buy things we cannot afford, and let someone else do anything unpleasant and difficult for them. As a parent it is my job to make them UNHAPPY sometimes by saying "no, not now, not yet, or get off your butt!" Not everyone agrees with my parenting philosophy that is you can't do it if it is going to unduly burden someone else, (including me) cost a lot for little return, make your teacher hate me, or be something I have to explain to the dentist. I recently watched a couple hold up a flight because they would not make their child sit down for take-off. While I empathised with both the crying, and the rude comments others were making about said child, this is a no brainer to me. As my friend Tina put it, one parent karate chops the gut and the other buckles when he folds in half. Simple. Kid continues to scream, but the end result is the same. Flight goes, kid can get up again. Flight attendant does not have to get increasingly crabby while she offers, cookies, juice, etc. There are times when "because I said so" IS good enough, and I am kinda tired of hearing that their sense of self, or some other bull will be adversely affected.
Talent is tough. As a parent, it is our job to question our motives here. Do I want my child to be talented so I can modestly (smugly) smile when he beats your kid at something? Do I want him to feel good about trying stuff? Is it good to not be the worst kid on the team? I am really starting to get annoyed when people think their child is better at something than he/she is. While I bite my tongue clear through, I hear one parent after another talk about how their child has such "passion" for dance, swimming, basketball, piano, etc. A wise man (Anthony Liebrant) once wrote about how parents need to have a plan B because most of our kids are not going pro... I once had a parent offer to buy her child an expensive electronic device if he beat my kid in swimming. It is hard to have the right words for that occasion... Recreational stuff is what we neuveau parent nut jobs were raised on, and I cannot figure out when that all changed. When did "travel" become a good thing to do for your child's activity. What is wrong with being good locally? It is not longer good enough to kick ass in your own hometown, now your kid needs to travel to do it. I have had kids in many activities. Sometimes they are the standout, sometimes they are the kid the coach wants to hide, both experiences are valuable.
Love. I love my children with a passion. I would take a bullet for any of them, and shove Kevin in front of a train to save them. I think they are awesome little people who have big potential to be nice, solid citizens. I do not think that loving them means I have to want to spend every waking minute with them. It does not mean that I have to think they are the best at everything, and mostly it does not mean that I have to defend their flaws. I am the first one to call my kid out when they are being a pain in the butt. I often use the radius rule. (Playing children need to maintain a five foot radius around talking adults) I do advocate for my child when necessary to meet their needs, but I do not make myself a total tool to give them everything they want. We follow the rules. I do not insist that an exception be made to make my little junior happier... That is teaching them the world does not revolve around them alone, and their spouses will thank me some day. Loving your child does NOT mean giving up everything you want/need to make them feel good. (that is stupidity) I want to love who my child becomes, and by handing them the world they become a problem.
Intelligence. Every child cannot be the smartest one in the class. It is not a race to see who's child reads earliest, does math 2 grades above the norm, and studies their way into a gifted program. I was labeled "gifted" early on in life, and that meant 2 things. 1) my hometown was small 2) I was a teacher's pet. Many kids I grew up with went on to do greater things that I did, and many of them were not "gifted". I know a parent who's 8th grader has taken the PSAT 3 times already. Why? Have we really bought into the idea that your kid is only as smart as their best test score? I am married to one of the smartest people I know, and his mother recently gave us all of his standardized test scores. In 10th grade he scored a 17% composite. In many ways that proves that he was indeed smarter than the rest of us drones. While we read each question carefully, and pondered the best strategies, he made designs with his #2 pencil, and had free time to goof off. That ITBS test did not adversely affect his future. (see every teacher affected by no child left behind shudder) Plus most of the really smart people I know, are either kinda mean or very judgemental, neither trait I want to nurture. My kids are plenty bright, and I don't need straight A's or perfect test scores to wave in other people's faces. My biggest pet peeve is people who post the kids grades on Facebook. Really? You need every 'friend' in your life to view you child's report card for validation? If your child is smart people will notice when they talk to them, life is not an audition.
So why would I write all this? I guess I have felt a lot of the pressure lately to parent better. By better I mean, I feel inadaquate a lot when I read/hear people talk about impossible schedules like they are nothing, that private school is the only way to go if you want your kid to go to college, and how little free time anyone has because they are pouring it all into creating a little utopia for their children. I am taking the time to analyze my reality, and the truth is I think doing the best I can to create nice and relatively happy people with no long term scarring is all I can do-- that is enough.
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