I am sure that we have all had those moments where you just want to slap yourself upside the head, and say "what was I thinking?" Normally my post would go on to talk about some move with the kids that I should have done differently, and I am sure that I could think of tons, but instead this one is more about me. Consider this therapy-- a place to lay it out for one moment.
You normally get out of life what you put in. I have found many opportunities to cut corners that seemed like a great idea at the time, but could have been such a better experience had I given just a little more. For example, I took a social work class once that required 60 hrs of community service. Instead of finding something that would have challenged me, gotten me out of the comfort zone, or required that I learn something new, I chose to work 60 free hours at the daycare center where I was already employed. It counted, I got an "A" and moved on. I got nothing out of the experience. The next year, I took a job tutoring a student with a traumatic brain injury. Truth be told, Jia was smarter than me, but a car accident had taken away her mobility, and her clear speech, as well as the ability to type fast, and eat neatly. I LOVED that job. I had always been afraid to approach a person with an obvious disability. I guess I was afraid that I would say the wrong thing, so the wrong thing, help too much--not enough...
Jia was one of those people that you had to like. She was funny, determined, and hidden beneath the exterior problems she faced, was the confident, happy person we all want to be. I cannot for the life of me tell you what possessed me to volunteer for this position, but it worked out great, and I was so glad that I did.
Some readers might not know that I graduated from high school in 3 1/2 years. After Kevin left for college my junior year, I could not seem to readjust to being a regular high school kid. I wanted to be in college. I wanted freedom from attendance, freedom from dress codes (although I was not one to break them anyway) and a chance to play grown-up. I did not care about football games, dances, and being homecoming queen. I cannot say that going away to college was a mistake. It was a fabulous experience where I learned to be on my own. I met with professors, I snubbed the sorority circuit where everyone seemed to belong, I scheduled a life all my own. What I lacked was confidence. I joined the honors house when invited, but never had the guts to take the honors classes. I dropped a few classes to keep from having to admit that I was in over my head and ask for help. I never branched out of the social circles where I felt the people were like the ones from home. (actually that one probably saved me from getting into trouble) It was not until my transfer from the University of Iowa to Eastern Illinois that I took college by the horns. I got married, and set out to graduate. I was full of confidence, and ready to have this thing over with by then. I argued my transfer credits, appealed decisions, entered a fast track teaching program, and really excelled. While working full time retail, I managed a 17 hour course load and a 4.0 GPA. The difference? I was ready. It wasn't like I did poorly at Iowa, more like I only did what I needed to do for it to be respectable. I got less out of those 101 credits than the 66 at EIU.
My modern reality is that there are many people who I come in contact with, who just see things differently than I do. I am great at assimilation, but I have to work hard to force myself out of that mindset. It's not that I want to stand out, or tick people off, it is more that I want to be able to express who I am, and have that be okay. I hate confrontation, and will choke down a lot of crap to avoid it-- or at least redirect it where I am comfortable. Just like my oldest child, I save all of my hostility for the people who I know are safe. Those people who will love me no matter what. I find myself admiring people who are direct, who go for what they want, who take initiative. I struggle with that every day. I actually hear myself telling the cashier who asks if it is debit or credit to run it however it is easier for them. While I know that example is a little who cares-ish, bear with me it is the middle of a sleepless night.
Now that I am a parent I want to get it across to my kids that these little things matter--well sort of... I don't want them freaking out about every decision, but I want them to think before they speak, plan their path, and not always make it the easy road. Life can be so much more interesting when there are challenges.
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